Monday, September 24, 2007

Interview game

   I'm so over my head here. Dawn did an 'interview' meme, and I volunteered to be interviewed by her. That was three weeks ago.
   I used to average twenty to twenty-five blog entries a month. In the last six months, I have averaged just under nine, and only six each in August and September (well, seven in September now). This being employed stuff is time consuming!

   Anyway, here's the deal. I volunteered for this at Dawn's blog, so she e-mailed me five questions. I answer them below. If you would like to be interviewed by me, say so in the comments section, and I'll e-mail you five questions, made up special, just for you.

1.   What is one thing about being a dad that totally surprised you and would you say that being a parent has made you a better person?

   One thing about being a dad that surprised me? That I don't suck at it. Has it made me a better person? Absolutely. I can't imagine it wouldn't. Sure, there are huge numbers of "deadbeat dads" out there, but the question wasn't about having fathered a child, it was about actually being a dad. At least that's the way I chose to read it. I suspect that, for most men, fatherhood is the first time they are forced to come to the realisation that they are not the center of the universe. That's a good thing.
2.  You are given the power to travel back in time and remove one invention from existence without altering the course of the world's history in any dramatic way, except for events directly relating to that one invention being non-existent.  What invention would you remove, why, and what would expect to be different?

   I think I would have to say The Popeil Pocket Fisherman. The Pocket Fisherman was one of the first hugely successful "as seen on TeeVee" products, and spawned a television culture in which virtually everything we currently watch on TV is an infomercial - even those shows we don't recognise as such, are hawking something. Hopefully, by bidding goodbye to Ron Popeil, we can avoid having late night TV littered with Anthony Robbins, Kevin Trudeau, and "Hot Talk" phone line ads. Who am I kidding?
3.   Starting the day after you post this, you can only eat or drink the 10 specific items that you list here in your blog, what are they?

Peanut butter
Home made bread
Vanilla ice cream
Maple syrup
4.   Pat gets a fabulous job offer in the US at triple her current salary.  What state do you hope it is most and why?  Least and why?

   This is the first question I'm tackling, because it's the easiest to write something flip and nonsensical about. The rest of them are gonna make me think! What state do I hope itis least? Texas. Really, I'd want to avoid anywhere the temperature goes above 100º in the summer, so pretty much the southern half of the country is right out. But specifically Texas. Let's be honest, the whole bible belt is gonna be a problem for me. But Texas, oh Texas, has historically been the ego of the United States. They tried to secede, fer chicken's sake.
   I did some googling for this, and found some interesting stuff. You know how states have official symbols? Most of them have state flowers, and state animals, and state birds. Some of them have state minerals, or gemstones. A few of them have state songs and state colours. Did you know that Texas has an official state gemstone cut? Not just the gemstone (blue topaz), but the actual cut must be the "Lone Star cut" in order to be an official Texas jewel. And a state animal isn't enough for them. They have an official state insect, and official state reptile, and an official state mammal. And an official state small mammal. And an officialstate flying mammal. I'm not kidding. In addition to their official state flower, they have an official state tree, and an official state plant. They have an official state pepper. Yeah. If it ain't a jalapeno, it ain't a Texas pepper. They have an official state grass. Grass! These people are just far too full of themseslves.
   So Texas, if you've got any high paying jobs for experienced bankers, keep them to yourselves, OK? Actually, I hear Austin is nice. They apparently have quite a reasonable, secular community in Austin. But, then again, there's the whole summer heat thing.

   Now, Oregon, on the other hand, is a nice place to live (so I hear). It's not too hot, or too pretentious, like California. Nor is it too cold,and wet, and entirely boring as Washington. It's right in the middle, both literally and figuratively. It's not in the bible belt, so people aren't insane there. It doesn't border on Utah, which is always good. It's on a similar latitude as I am right now, so the climate would be similar, but somewhat moderated by the Pacific ocean. Neither quite as hot in the summer, nor quite as cold in the winter.
   The official state beverage is milk. Milk, for the love of pretzels! I like milk. I'll bet they have cookies, too. Oh, and their official state nickname? The Beaver State. Yeah, Oregon I could get used to.
5.   You die, and find out you were wrong there is a God.  Not only is there God, but you were honking wrong, and there are angels, demons, Lucifer, fires of hell, and fluffy white cloud heaven, and every bible story you thought was bunk - true.  There is before you the literal version of all that you denied. 
St. Peter is standing in front of the Gates of Heaven (pearly and all), Pat is there already and you can see her waiting for you (hey, I had to give you a little incentive), but you have to get past St. Peter who is looking a bit cross with you.  St. Peter asks you to defend your atheism to him, while convincing him to let you pass.

   "Pete! Buddy, pal, how the heck are you? Man, those are some nice wings. How do you keep them so white? And those teeth! Man, they're like pearls. Get it, pearly? Heh, heh."
   "So, listen, Pete - can I call you Pete? Listen, Pete, are you the guy they call "The Rock? Good on ya, mate! A shining example to all. Hey, you know what? I've got a question for you. Judas. Yeah, Judas, man. He's up here, right? I mean he's not down in the "other place" is he? C'mon, it was all part of the plan, right? You can't hold him responsible, can you? And the Jews, man. Can you get the big guy to send the Pope a message? Tell him to tell all the Catholics to lay off the Jews, OK? I mean, it's not like they had any choice in the matter, right? Omnipotent...that means "all powerful," right?"
   "So, anyway..what? Defend my unbelief? Naw, man, I'm just wasting time. I figure if I'm experiencing this hallucination, then I'm not completely dead yet. I'm just trying to stretch it out as long as I can, to give the doctors as much time as possible to save my life. To perform a "medical miracle" as it were (heh, heh). What, it's not a hallucination? Prove it. Tell me something I couldn't possibly know. Then send me back to find out if what you told me is true, or not. If I find out that you imparted to me knowledge that I had know way of knowing in advance, I'll take that as a sign this is all real, and I'll come on over to your side. If I find out that whatever you tell me right now is nonsense, or something based on knowledge I already have, then I'll knowit really is an hallucination. Sound OK, Pete? Pete? Buddy...?"

   Oh well. He turned tail and ran just like every other person confonted with a real world test of their superstition. No surprise here. I mean, it was my hallucination, right?

   Listen. Did anyone else notice how three of those five were doubled questions? I think that's cheating, Dawn. Also, the last one wasn't even a question. Sure, I assumed a question mark, and answered it anyway, but rest assured, if I interview you, there won't be any low shenanigans like that, OK?


tenyearnap said...

Sure, most of that As Seen On TV stuff sucks, but The Pocket Fisherman? Pure genius! It fits in a car's glove compartment (at least it did my '65 Galaxie) and had a little compartment for a bit of light tackle. Genius!!

Did you happen to find a state where the Official Grass is called Panama Red, perhaps? I'll move there. --Cin

dpoem said...

I think you'd fit right in here in Wisconsin.  That whole sausage, beer and cheese diet could suit you quite well.  Plus, we also take Canadian money here.  

Anyway, feel free to interview me.  I think five questions from you could be quite fun and dandy.  


simianfarmer said...

I think Oregon would have been near the top of my list as well.  I once saw some stunningly gorgeous redwoods on a drive north coming home from a trip to Vegas.

Ditto on the blog taking a hit from having to work full time.  Sucks sometimes.

You can lay five of your questions on me if you'd like.  It's been a while since I've played that sort of game.  Sounds like fun again.


princesssaurora said...

The question in the last one, was How would you defend your position to St. Peter and convince him to let you pass?  It was in there!!!!  AND, you cheated!!!  It wasn't your hallucination, it was my presumption that you actually were being faced with it all as reality... not a hallucination while docs were trying to bring you back... so Dang it Paul... you didn't really answer my question!  ACK!

I loved your first three answers.  I agree about being a dad, or being a mom for that matter!

Curious... you didn't pick anywhere on the NorthEastt to live, I thought you would have because it is a more culturally and religiously (or not) diverse area.  Oregon may not be the bible belt, but it sure does have its share of bible thumpers.  I mean, I am sure you have heard that we are godless in the NYC area, and that is why 9/11 happened to us.  (sic)

be well,

princesssaurora said...

And, oh yes... you suffered through my questions... I look forward to doing yours!  I know you will be brutal!  lol

be well,

jaquandor said...

Hey, I'll take some! This is my favorite of all blog-memes, and I never resist it when it comes around.

ceilisundancer said...

I don't really know about the other states so much, but I know Maryland has a state sport (jousting, really, see it reenacted weekly through the end of October at the Renaissance Festival), and a state cat (the calico, cuz, well, it's the same four colors as the flag, except not for the red so much), a state crustacean (come on, we all know that's the blue crab), and a bunch of other things.  But we don't have many days above 100 degreees F, and have beaches and mountains (Applachians aren't the rockies, but they count), and enough city life and people around and in and out from literally everywhere on earthy, around that being secular / non-Christian really is NOT a problem:)  

Hope being employed is a good thing!