Paul's Awards Show

  Several weeks ago, when there was some j-land drama flapping in the breeze regarding various unsanctioned "AOL journals awards" being presented by some AOL members, I started collecting ideas for things that I'd like to present awards to. I was going to write a journal entry full of hilarious parody and biting satire, but I procrastinated, and it all blew over. So here I am, weeks later, with a text file full of silly and irrelevant "best of" type observations, and a sense that they are no longer topical. So why post them now? Because I owe you guys an update, and I have nothing better to say.

So. With no further gilding the lily, and with out any more ado, I now present to you: Paul's Very Important Awards For Outstanding Deeds, Achievements, And Stuff.


Please welcome our award presenter, the lovely and talented Miss Vanna White. ::applause::

Vanna: Smiles and waves.

Our first award of the night comes in the category Best Cover Of A Jimi Hendrix Song By A Now Defunct Canadian Swing Band. And the winner is: Purple Haze by The Jive Kings. ::applause:: Unfortunately, upon notification that they had won this award, none of the members of The Jive Kings returned our e-mails, so this award will be accepted on behalf of The Jive Kings by Rick Mercer.

Rick Mercer: As a former host of the Canadian East Coast Music Awards show, I was once in the same room as The Jive Kings, and I can say without reservations that they are great group of kids. I would just like to thank Paul for this award, and seeing as those no good punks didn't see fit to show up here, this will look great siting on my mantlepiece.

Vanna: Smiles and waves.

Thank you Rick. Our next award is the coveted Best New Ice Cream Marketing Idea That's Making Me Eat Too Much Of The Stuff award. And the winner is: Chocolate Bar Flavours. ::applause:: Well done! As we didn't have a clue who was responsible for this innovation in the marketing of ice cream, this award will be graciously accepted on behalf of Chocolate Bar Flavours by The Committee To Elect Paul Little King Of The World! ::massive applause::

Vanna: Smiles and waves.

Thank you very much. Now ladies and gentlemen we come to our next award: Best AnimeDaytime Cartoon ... Just kidding. It is actually time to take a break and hear from our sponsors. Stay tuned, we'll be right back.


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Welcome back to Paul's Very Important Awards For Outstanding Deeds, Achievements, And Stuff. During the break, several minor technical awards were given out. Let's watch now as those awards are summarized by Callista Flockhart. What's that? Oh, we'll have to go to Callista later, folks. Apparently she turned sideways and now nobody can find her. OK, moving on, let's present the award for The Most Surreal Sports Experience By A Former Neighbour. And the winner of that award is: Jay Kerr at a West Virginia college football game where the crowd broke into a sponataneous rendition of John Denver's Take me home, country road. Later we'll go to our WV analyst, Lahoma Taylor, who will be completely unable to justify that behaviour.

Vanna: Smiles and waves.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that brings us to the final award of the night: The Bogart Movie I Like Better Than Casablanca. And the winner is: The Maltese Falcon. ::applause:: Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for tuning in to Paul's Very Important Awards For Outstanding Deeds, Achievements, And Stuff. I think I can safely say that the evening has been an unqualified success, even though Dan Quayle did not attend. Have a good night, and we'll see you next year when our Master of Ceremonies will be Billy Idol. ::applause::