Stupid headlines.

Lawyer wants DNA test on 'Roll up the Rim' cup.

   Here's a story I couldn't quite believe upon hearing about it. A ten year old school girl found a Tim Horton's coffee cup in a trash bin. Tim's is currently running their "rrroll up the rrrim to win" promotion, whereby one must unroll the lip of the cup to reveal if a prize has been won. The cup in the trash bin had not been unrolled, so the girl enlisted the help of her friend to unroll it. Guess what. The cup was a winner. The holder of the cup is entitled to a brand new Toyota RAV4 sport utility vehicle. Sweet!
   A problem presents itself. The girls are too young to claim the prize. Agreeing to share it, they went home to tell their families the good news. Another problem presents itself. The parents of one of the girls hired a lawyer in an attempt to keep the whole prize for themselves. No, I'm not kidding.
      You haven't heard the worst of it. Now, a man claiming to be the original owner of the cup has lawyered up as well, in an attempt to claim the prize for himself. Here's where the headline comes in. The guy's lawyer wants to run DNA tests on the cup to prove his client was the one who drank the coffee in the cup.

   To me, this all sounds like stupidity of the highest order. I want to be the judge in this case. Here is my ruling:

1) To the guy who threw the cup in the garbage without rrrolling up the rrrim: you're a loser. As Forrest Gump famously said, "stupid is as stupid does." I sentence you to have a device installed in your 1978 Hyundai Pony that makes a laughing sound every time a Toyota RAV4 passes you on the highway.

2) To the parents of the little girl who wanted to keep the whole car for themselves: you're assholes. It wouldn't be so bad if you wanted to have the full benefit of the prize for your own daughter, but what you really wanted was to get a cool brand new car for yourselves. Well, screw you. As the girls had originally decided to share the prize, this court decrees that the vehicle shall be auctioned off on eBay, with full proceeds to be divided evenly, and put into two trust funds, one for each girl, to be paid out when they enter university, or reach the age of 21 years, whichever comes first. As card carrying members of the Greedy Jerkface Club of North America, you are sentenced to administer the trust, not only for your own daughter, but for the other girl as well. This court also decrees that statements of the trust fund shall be mailed monthly to your residence. Said statements will have printed on the top of them, "remember that you will never touch a single penny of this money, assholes." You will be required to open, read, sign and return each statement each month to remind you how much of a jerk you are.

3) To the lawyers who took on these cases: you are what is wrong with the world today. The belief that each and every dispute in the world needs to be taken before the courts is wrong. I sentence you to...to...aw, hell! You're already lawyers. Everyone in the world hates you. How much more could your life already suck? 

   This court now stands in recess.

tags:News,Misc.