There's an old person hidden inside each of us.

Paul: I gotta tell you, I'm a little bit worried. Remember when I wrote that journal entry last week about the smelly farts? I said they were old people farts. Well, what if I have old people farts because I'm becoming an old person?

Andern Sieego: Well, my friend, let me explain it to you. There is an old person inside each and every one of us. He or she is there from the beginning, right from birth, just waiting for the opportunity to come out. It is kind of like that movie, Invasion Of The Body Snatchers. We are all just like those alien pods, incubating an old person.

Paul: That sounds yucky! How do you know if an old person is coming out and taking control?

Andern Sieego: There are several telltale warning signs. Do you find yourself complaining that people drive too fast on the highways?

Paul: Ummm, sometimes.

Andern Sieego: Mmm, hmm. And what about spicy food?

Paul: I love spicy food.

Andern Sieego: And after you eat it?

Paul: Oh. Well. Let's just say I don't stray too far from home afterwards

Andern Sieego: I see. And pants?

Paul: Pants? What do you mean, pants? I don't understand the question. There's nothing to talk about pants. Pants are fine. Just because the stupid clothing manufacturers have changed their patterns so that pants don't fit properly anymore is no reason to question me over pants, OK?

Andern Sieego: All right. Calm down. Do not get excited.

Paul: Excited! I'm not excited! I don't need to calm down! Don't talk to me about calming down. And why shouldn't I be excited anyway? In the face of a worldwide government conspiracy to put clothing manufacturing standards into the toilet, we should all be a little excited! Pants used to fit around the waist. They used to sit on the hips. look at these things! They don't make pants that'll sit on your hips anymore.

Andern Sieego: Let us move on.

Paul: So what were those warning signs you were going to tell me about?

Andern Sieego: Hmm. Well, beyond the beginning symptoms I touched upon, the more serious signs manifest themselves in denial. For example, you remember when your friend Tom came over the other day? You asked him if he had been working out, if he had lost weight?

Paul: Yes.

Andern Sieego: (whispers) Grecian Formula.

Paul: No!

Andern Sieego: Oh, and see that gentleman over there? What is he driving?

Paul: Porsche Boxter?

Andern Sieego: Exactly. Take a look over there. See that woman in the gold lame stretch pants, with the bad blonde dye job, and way too much make-up? Need I say more?

Paul: I get it, I get it. What about me then? Do you think I'm in danger of becoming an old person before my time?

Andern Sieego: Well, let me see. Do you own any Eminem albums?

Paul: Yes.

Andern Sieego: Mmm. What about Linkin Park albums?

Paul: Yes.

Andern Sieego: Oooh! You recently had your annual physical examination, did you not? Did the doctor perform a prostate exam?

Paul: What, the old finger up the butt thing? No, she said she won't start doing that until I'm forty-five.

Andern Sieego: Ah, that is good news. Enjoy your youth, my friend, you have a mere five years left.