Last night i was cooking a pot of chili for dinner, and it occurred to me that Pamela had not had the opportunity to try the recipe i posted at her urging. i find myself, 36 plus hours after first hearing the news, still without adequate words to express my feeling of loss. Instead, i will offer you words i first offered to Pam upon hearing of her diagnosis last June:
Shit. Fuck. God damn it!i apologise for the profanity, as i did to Pamela back then, and i hope you will forgive me, as she did. It is not pleasant, but it is how i feel. As a more polite alternative, here are some words and pictures i have brazenly stolen from Pamela's journals, Just one girl's head noise, both the domestic and imported versions.
love me when i'm gone
When your education x-ray cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness, I'm alive but I'm alone
And part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone
--Pamela Hilger
July 27, 2003
i shall pass through this world but once. Any good that i can do, or any kindness that i can show another human being, let me do it now and not defer it. For i shall not pass this way again.
(author unknown)
Pamela Caryl Hilger April 10, 1956 - April 16, 2006
i will remember you.
Tags: His1desire, Pamela Hilger, Remembering Pam
54 comments:
She just barely got one last birthday.
Beautiful tribute, Paul.
Simon
Wonderful tribute, Paul. I had the same problem. I would sit down and start to type... and just couldn't get the words to come out and express what a truly remarkable person she was. I finally chose to just link to that first C entry and let her say it for herself.
Like you, I traveled back thru her journal and picked out a couple of pictures. And, like you I really thought the pics of her in bed with all the cards and the one of her modeling the pj's just showed her sparkle and how she embraced life right up to the end.... and for the center the pic we saw each day as we logged on to see what Pamela's Head Noise would be for that day....
She is so loved and will be so missed....
http://journals.aol.com/astaryth/AdventuresofanEclecticMind
http://adventuresofaneclecticmind.blogspot.com/
This is absolutely wonderful, Paul.
http://searchthesea.blogspot.com/
A great tribute.
Awe......Complete and absolute. It seems apparent that, regardless of the physical battle lost, Pam has won by continuing to smile. Such heartfelt words.....
Tammy
http://lifeliveitormissout.blogspot.com
Thank you for this beautiful tribute to a beautiful woman.
I think we're all very much still in a state of shock....she was such a bright light, it's unimaginable that she is no longer "here". However, my feeling after viewing this is, she is ALWAYS here....for she truly made a differenc.
The sunflower in the accidental garden, that was Pam in this great big world of diversity and accidental encounters.
This was a beautiful tribute Paul, and very much appreciated.
Rebecca
Oh Paul.... that was just... perfect....
Thank you thank you thank you thank you thankyou
Dawn
very, very touching. what an amazing woman. BEAUTIFUL tribute. Michelle
I agree with Kat...she will always be here. Lisa :-]
Paul, this is the perfect tribute to Pam...
She was an angel on Earth, every picture she had that infamous smile that we saw through her typed words.
I'm not at all offended by the profanity... in fact, that was my first thought, too...
Thank you for this. For it all...
Cat
I loved this tribute.. thanks for sharing it..
http://journals.aol.com/myheartsaysso2/WhereTheHeartIs/
Paul, it's a beautiful tribute to a loving soul. Thank you...Sandi
beautiful.......
I have terars running down my face.
This was beautiful.
*Louise*
Gosh Paul you dida very nice tribute thank you!
my deepest Condolences for the loss of your great friend,natalie
wonderful tribute to a brave woman:) thank you
Deb
{{{{{{{{{{{pl}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
andi
Paul, your reaction was sincere then, and it is a heartfelt sincere response now. This is a very sweet tribute to Pam's life. I didn't know her, but now wish I had been a part of her life. God bless her family and friends. Bea
This is an absolutely beautiful tribute. How I hope her family gets to see this, and to read all of the comments, so they'll know how many people's lives she touched.
Judi
Beautiful... Pam in those pajamas, just a few days ago... so cute. She was such a fighter, always smiling. She will be missed.
All I can say is thank you. This is wonderful.......................Anne
Wow...This is so beautiful. We all loved her, didn't we?
~Meg
that is just a wonderful tribute.
My goodness Paul....how beautiful...and that's not saying enough.
Nice to have met you in the chat room the other night.
Nancy
This is absolutely wonderful. Beautiful to no end. Thank you for putting this up and letting the world see such a wonderful lady. She will be missed by all. Those her knew her well, that hardly knew her, or didn't have the privilege until now.
Hugs
d
http://journals.aol.com/nightmaremom/Thisandthatandhockey/
Paul,
This is a beautiful tribute to Pam.
Thank you so much.
Dianna
Wow, You did an awesome job Paul.
Oh myyyy.......you captured so much about her. Simply beautiful and deeply touching.
A wonderful tribute to a truly remarkable and courageous lady who was and is an inspiration to all of us. Thank you. I am sure Pam thanks you as well.
http://journals.aol.co.uk/jeanno43/JeannettesJottings/
Lovingly done.
Thanks,
V
Just beautiful.....
Sandra xxxxx
I remember, too. Thanks for a wonderful entry. With a heavy heart I say goodbye as well. Blessings to you, Paul. Penny http://journals.aol.com/firestormkids04/FromHeretoThere
Beautiful tribute to Pam and her life. She was and will always be an inspiration to me. When life is a little tough I think of her and all she went though with poise, dignity and generosity in her sharing ... and my troubles shrink to manageable size. May she rest in peace.
beautiful Paul. thank you.
A beautiful tribute to a beautiful person. Thanks for sharing, Paul. Tina
I know that you and Pamela were great friends. This is a very lovely tribute. She will be missed.
Beautiful. Simply beautiful.
Lovely tribute to a courageous woman, who was loved by so many.
Thanks for visiting my Journal, Paul & leaving your link~
Marie
http://journals.aol.co.uk/mariebm56/PhotographsMemoriesToo
What a beautiful tribute! She had a beautiful smile--something tells me that she's smiling down on you today. Julie :)
Perfect. ~Diane~ http://journals.aol.com/dizarra/StorysFromtheCityTalesFromtheSea
Perfect. No other words needed. Just perfect.
Chris
http://inanethoughtsandinsaneramblings.blogspot.com/
Beautiful put together, Paul..
I miss her so much..
Jackie
Beautiful, beautiful tribute.
My thoughts goes to you Paul...she was lucky to have you.
Gem~
I just found out about Pamela's death today and I am so very sad. This is a beautiful tribute to her and I thank you for sharing it with all of us. Lisa/Cw2sMom
Paul, that was a beautiful tribute. I haven't been following anyone's journals online for a while. I've been pretty wrapped up in things going on in my life. How trivial my problems seem now. I was reading Judith Hearsong's journal and I was stunned to see that she had passed on. Then I saw a journal entry from Rebecca at In The Shadow Of The Iris about your tribute. I am going to go check out the Chemo Angels page. I felt warmth as I viewed her pictures. She was a beautiful soul. Thanks for sharing Pamela's gorgeous smile
PAUL,
This was such a moving testimonial to Pam's life...i had read er journal since day 1....and she was always so sweet and kind and full of life....i have said before and i will say it again.."When my time comes to leave this wonderful world that we were given, my only hope is that i do it with as much grace, courage and pure love as Pam did."
carlene
Im speechless,
Thank you.... Thats about all I can say while I am sitting here tearing up reading that entry and then seeing the pictures.... sigh... I cant belive its been over a month or 2 now since her passing....
Ps its ok about the cussing part... I said those 3 same things but kinda not in that order when Jody ( Dornbrau) emailed me telling me that pam was gone.....
I would love to link to your entry in one of my entries :) if thats all right please let me know
http://journals.aol.com/cmarlow505/ChristophersBlog
Thanks again for the beautiful Memories,
Christopher
Hi Aurora,
its me Christopher..... Just wanted to let you know im back at aol ... WHOO HOO ever since they went freee I decided to jump on it and take advantage ^_^
I still cant belive its been 4 months since pams passing..... seems like its going by sooooo slow.. wow
Hope all is well for you in the Great White North ^_^
Take Care,
Christopher
Hi,
You and i are not aquainted, yet we have somethings in common. My name is Pamela. My dearest friend Betty died from lung cancer a week ago today. i'd decided to get a tattoo in her memory and was looking for inspiration. i did a google search for butterfly sunflower images and your "remembering Pamela" came up. Betty loved sunflowers and the day before she died we spent the day at the beach where for some reason we were surrounded by monarch butterflies as we walked through the dunes. i wanted to incorporate each of these things into the design, because they seemed significant to me. When i saw the pictures of your friend and noted the name, it just seemed like something more than coincidence that i stumbled upon your tribute to your friend. that's why i'm writing. i don't even know if you'll get this cuz i don't know how this blog stuff works. i just wanted you to know that your memorial to your friend comforted me, a stranger on the death of my own dear friend. Pamela was lucky to have someone like you and i can tell from this tribute that you knew you were lucky to have her as well. Sometimes solace comes from the most unexpected places. i found some here today and for that i want to thank you. i wish you peace of mind and the continued comfort of your memories.
Thank you for your comment. This internet thing sure is a wonder, isn't it. It's amazing the contacts and connections we make. My contact with Pamela was casual, occasional, and relatively short lived, and yet we somehow made a connection. Her death affected me as strongly as any I have ever experienced, despite the fact that we never met. Indeed, we were separated by an entire continent, and an international border.
I believe that the true measure of us all is in the friendships that we make. My brief friendship with Pamela enriched me, as I know your friendship with Betty did you. I'm glad my tribute contributed to your peace of mind in this troubled time.
Thank you again for taking the time to leave a comment. A big part of this blogging thing is interaction with others, and you too have enriched my experience of this world.
Regards,
Paul
I still miss her.
~Meg
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